my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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