i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
