i was born a porn star she said
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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