Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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