i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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