I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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