Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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