I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
