there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
