I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I need water and some morals
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
