I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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