Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
