I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
