quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
