I haven't been this sober since birth.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
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Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
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He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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