just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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