She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
