I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
