Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
