should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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