You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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