and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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