someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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