I faked an abortion last night.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.