i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
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Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
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Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.