The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died