I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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