why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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