woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Pants are for mortals
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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