Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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