Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
