I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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