dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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