Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
