I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
