im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
