just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
