i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
