Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms