I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
