Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
