I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
