people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
