I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
