This is not my ceiling
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
