Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Intervention is following me on twitter.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"