Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
