this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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