I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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