I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
