This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
