Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
