just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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