She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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