I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
