I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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