he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
