Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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